2008 Darwin Awards
Categories: Geek Break
Written By: Koka Sexton
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man, got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who ‘totally zoned when he ran,’ accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along thewalkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable, lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS…
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
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May 15th, 2008 at 7:39 am
One of my favorite Darwin Awards is the person who was irritated at the streetlight by his home…so he took his handy pair of wireclippers to clip apart the ACTIVE high-powered cable.
People are truly amazing sometimes.
Barbara
Barbara Ling’s last blog post..Free Make Money ebook downloads
May 16th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Just curious where you got this list from…
I was just on the official Darwin Awards website, http://darwinawards.com/ , & I found your sixth place way back in 1997. I didn’t look for all of them but I did try to find a few without any luck, plus nothing on your list seems to be listed under 2008 on the official sight…
Would love to know what your source is… or is this just your own list?
May 31st, 2008 at 2:47 pm
These are not the real Darwin Awards…
The number one winner is an URBAN LEGEND, since 1998
Source http://www.darwinawards.com/legends/legends1998-09.html
For the real Awards check the Darwin Site
June 7th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
The runner-up also should not qualify. As he survived and is still able to reproduce. I believe to qualify you need to remove yourselves from the gene pool.
June 7th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Devon, I think that not having a foot and having a stupid reason why is good enough to remove that guy from the gene pool.
June 8th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
He is a runner-up BECAUSE he isn’t dead. That is the point of a runner up.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
The low down on this part right and part wrong list. I’m glad Honorable mention is real ( but, sadly, they didn’t die )
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin06.asp
June 8th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Jack, we can only be sure of his removal from the pool if he dies. Or has his means of reproduction destroyed, that’s just basic Darwin Awards rules. Runners Up usually survive, that’s why they’re not given an award.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:43 am
All I can think of is the joke where the monkey would be trying to put the plug back in….. LOL……..
June 10th, 2008 at 12:46 am
Did anyone notice these are ALL males?
Except for that guy and his wife. But still. Every single one of them is a guy.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
’cause women are boring.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
i was totally staying at the same beach as the guy who died in the sand
June 15th, 2008 at 5:45 am
so… what’s your point Laurann
at least we don’t need to say you woman die
who’s the smartass now
June 16th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
200 pounds… holy crap.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
The honourable mention…. if they both died in the car, how do you know they were “bored” and “tried to throw the dynamite out of a closed window”?
June 16th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
These are old, not 2008
June 17th, 2008 at 11:36 am
This list needs some major checking against urban legend and fact. Entertaining anyway.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I’ve seen a few on Snopes.com
Jennie’s last blog post..My Sweet Baby the Oops!
June 18th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
The winning story is false.
check snopes
http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.asp
June 18th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I can’t believe some of you are spending time researching these.
If they’re on the internet, it’s photoshopped.
http://hoseramaville.myminicity.com/
June 19th, 2008 at 8:53 am
that guys foot and several others have washed up in canada in the last few weeks.
June 22nd, 2008 at 5:25 am
“burglarizing” !?!?
What the hell do they teach you in school these days?
July 6th, 2008 at 11:54 am
First place doesn’t seem to be stupid, just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I can show you exactly where the zoned out jogger went over the cliff anytime you are in San Francisco.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:26 pm
I am in agreement with Niyou77. The stated “winner” appears to me to be the most intelligent of the bunch. It is rather endearing that he cared enough about the elephant to make such an effort to help the animal. Now, I don’t claim to know the slightest about what the correct dosage of animal laxatives would be sufficient to relieve such a large mammal, but 22 sounds like A LOT!! Then again, possibly that was the vet’s recommended dosage. Medicating the animal - Stupid? No. Humane? Definitely,
Attempting to further assist the animal by administering an enema, Brave? Absolutely. Selfless? Certainly. Above and beyond the call of duty? For most people, probably. But Stupid??? Not at all.
Slips and hits his head on a rock. Intentionally? = Unlikely. Unfortunate? =Very! Stupid?=Of course not. He SLIPPED!
Buried under 200lbs of Ellie’s Excrement - I believe we are to assume that as a result of hitting his head, he was knocked out at the time of his “burial” So how can this be construed as Stupidity either? The poor guy was unconscious!
How anyone could say that this unfortunate animal lover’s actions used less grey matter than the scholar who simply jogs off of a 100 ft high cliff, or the genius who tried to rob a gun shop, complete with armed patrons and a cop….actually, any of those listed above.
With so many genuine idiots out there to choose from, there is really no need to ridicule, mock, or smear the reputation of someone whom, in my opinion, doesn’t qualify to be on any Darwin list at all, let alone be crowned the winner of one.
If there are readers who disagree and feel that the Elephant Man has been rightfully crowned, I would be very interested to hear (read) your reasoning behind this.
Naturally, if you agree, you are more than welcome to show your support as well!
August 1st, 2008 at 5:04 am
I know that the Darwin Awards have loads of rules. But regardless of that, some of these stories are hilarious!! If your either so bored or such a computer geek that you check on the rules for darwin awards, you need help. Its only a bit of fun, whether they’re true or not or photoshopped or whatever. Just enjoy them!
August 1st, 2008 at 10:31 pm
First place doesn’t deserve it for two reasons
A.It’s fake
B. He wasn’t doing something stupid, he just died in an extremely sucky way.
C. You can’t count.
August 2nd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
[...] Ah, yes, the Darwin Awards… [...]
August 5th, 2008 at 10:01 am
[...] Bizarre Deaths I am still scratching my head on some of these. [...]
August 25th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
why why why? why are you all being so critical? when you read this did you smirk or chuckle to yourself? did you think it was entertaining or amusing? well, that was the point. this darwin post is to be entertaining, not to be informative. so, stop complaining about every little thing.
August 28th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
@ Laurann:
The stories are mostly fake, embellished, or even if true have had the actual facts of the account watered-down (ever play Telephone or Chinese Whispers?) by too many recounts.
Stories (especially fictitious) involving women are almost invariably changed to involve a man, since we possess the ability to laugh at ourselves while you tend to be hyper-sensitive to any/all lampooning or criticism. Believe it or not.
Lets take a quick search for images of cars with the gas-pump nozzle still protruding from the fuel tank (having driven off without returning it to it’s cradle at the pump) and see how many of the actual pictures (more difficult to manipulate than words) are women…[waiting]…well, what do you know; it’s all of them.
While it’s true that we men are involved in more car accidents, work related injuries, etc. there’s a simple explanation for this: we are the ones who actually do stuff. We drive more, work more, discover and invent more (this is an understatement), and are overall more active, risk takers - so we get hurt more.
But while we tend to drive too fast, at least we’re usually good at it, possessing the necessary logic and reason to maneuver through traffic efficiently. How many times has a woman, on a cell phone, barely visible in her enormous SUV cut you off? Turned right in front of you? Stopped too short? Almost snuffed out your life in her oblivious haste to get into the proper lane? Simply put: we’re in more wrecks because we have to drive around you.
Here’s a true story for your Awards:
My brother Alex was on his way to work in Hollywood last month, when he was rear-ended while sitting at a red light. While gathering his wits (and insurance papers, etc) he heard a woman’s voice approaching his window from behind “Oh my god. Are you okay? I’m soooo sorry!” My brother turned at that point and screamed: the woman had an eye-liner pencil protruding from here eye and blood running down her face. He had to convince her to sit still on the curb while he called 911, as she was more concerned with the damage to the vehicles, and exchanging insurance info.
I rest my case.
August 30th, 2008 at 1:04 am
This isnt darwin awards its all FAKE its really his own family.